I’m a guy. So needless to say, when I heard about the insane cast for this movie, I was really excited to see it. Yet I’m also a poor man, so I ignored the fact that I wanted to see this until it came out on DVD. My friends, it was not worth the wait at all.
The ball was dropped so many times that you’d think Luc Longley was handling it. There were so many problems that it’s hard to know where to begin. So I’ll begin with the most painful and obvious: Stallone’s new Botox treatments make him look like Frankenstein made up of wax and leftover Ken doll pieces. His face is tighter than Nicole Kidman’s grip on her emotions. This is very distracting throughout the whole movie, especially when you get close-ups of his horrifying mug while the muscles beneath it struggle and strain to try to convey thoughtfulness, guilt and anger.
As long as we’re on the subject of Stallone, we might as well address his complete inability to write dialogue, which, last time I checked, was an important part of a movie. His attempts at humor are forced and hard to watch and really make the movie drag. The script is just trash all around. I realize that this is the case with most action movie scripts, but those other movies usually hide this with lots and lots of action. Which is what we were promised this movie would provide. Yet this isn’t so.
Although all of the action scenes were good, they were too short to be great. As quickly as they start, they finish and you are left craving more, which you never really get. Plus, the most pivotal moments in the action scenes are completely ruined by special effects that would make Ed Wood proud. When Stone Cold Steve Austin, the main thug in the movie, is set on fire, it looks like something straight out of a Final Fantasy video game. This completely killed any credibility the scene had.
In the same vein, when the evil mastermind finally gets his comeuppance, he gets a ridiculously computerized knife thrown through his back, making you laugh instead of cheer when he falls over dead.
These are my main qualms with the movie but there is much much more wrong here. So I will just take you through each person involved and tell you why they were terrible.
Jason Statham as Lee Christmas: Jason is the biggest badass in the movie. He has by far the best action sequences in movie and his acting is superb. Yet, in what I assume is a sad attempt by Stallone to feel better about his inability to act, he has Statham say the dumbest things I have ever heard. Almost every line that Statham delivers is an awkward joke, a failed pun or something incoherent. You don’t believe me? Then tell me what in the hell was even said at the end of the movie. I dare you to recite that poem and explain to me why it was put into the movie. My only other problem with the character Lee Christmas, besides the name, is his weapon of choice: the throwing knife. It’s an awesome weapon and he uses it marvelously. Yet he keeps on losing knife throwing contests to Mickey Rourke. How come he can nail a dude in the throat from across a field but he can’t hit a bullseye on a dart board five feet from him? That’s just dumb.
Jet Li as Ying Yang: Besides being a pretty racist character name, Li is pretty horrible in this movie. His action scenes are pretty good, typical Jet Li fare. But Li does something in this movie that I feel he does pretty often. It seems to me that he intentionally acts poorly because he doesn’t like what’s written for him. Compare his performances in a few movies. His acting in Fearless is perfect. His acting in Unleashed is great, he even improves his facial expressions in that role. Then, when named Ying Yang and told to rant about how he’s short, Li puts on one of the most lackluster and almost sarcastically bad performances I’ve ever witnessed. But hey, I’d probably be the same way if my heritage was mocked by Stallone’s grade school wit.
Dolph Lundgren as Gunner Jensen: Besides having a name more suited for a Duke Nuke’em villain, Lundgren puts on an okay performance. My problem is not with his acting or even his character per se, but on what happens to his character. Lundgren betrays the group for a meager amount of money and then attempts to kill Stallone and Li, which actually probably would’ve been a sweet release for Li. He then gets shot in the heart by Stallone and, while dying in a pool of his blood, he redeems himself by telling Stallone who sent him. This is all fine and good. But then at the end of the movie, right before Statham’s little poetry slam, we see the Russian bastard having a drink and laughing with the crew, even being told by Li that he is forgiven. Well, that just really cheapens what it means to be shot in the heart. I know that Stallone wanted a happy ending but come on. I don’t even know what to say.
Randy Couture as Toll Road: Another actor another god awful name. Couture, one of the baddest men on the planet, is the absolute worst character in the movie. And that’s saying a lot. His character is supposed to be the comic relief. Because apparently in Stallone’s rectangular head it is believed that people who seek therapy to better themselves is a hilarious thing. So all Couture talks about is therapy and what his doctor says. Blah blah blah. Couture isn’t even in that many scenes, he’s just another name to stick on the bill, he’s little more than a background character. Yet he’s the one to take down Steve Austin. And this wouldn’t bother me so much if he didn’t do it in the most retarded hat of all time: the bucket hat. The bucket hat is only worn by losers and psychopaths and is hated by all normal people. Oh, you need some examples? Okay. Since becoming really weird (see The Whole 10 Yards), Bruce Willis began wearing bucket hats. John Cena: bucket hat. Bill Murray in What about Bob? Bucket hat. Enough said.
Steve Austin as Paine: From now on, just imagine that I’m insulting the character name. I’m sure that I don’t need to point it out anymore. My main problem with Austin is that he isn’t able to shine in this movie. Granted, nobody really shines in this movie since all of the action is short, but Austin beats up two people the whole movie. One is a defenseless woman who doesn’t fight back. And the other is Stallone. His fight with the plastic old man isn’t bad but Steve didn’t really get a chance to show what he can do. This movie could have solidified him as a real action star but he wasn’t given the opportunity. Otherwise, Austin played his part perfectly.
Terry Crews as Hale Caesar: I was excited to see what Crews could do in an action movie as I have always been a fan of his and thought that he had the look to really kick ass in an action flick. But he didn’t really do anything impressive, he just shot stuff and blew things up. No hand to hand combat. Just reciting his love for explosive bullets that he probably shouldn’t be handling and putting near his face and then shooting a bunch of men from behind. I was let down by the lack of depth in his character and the fact that he didn’t dance at all in the movie. Hopefully my man Cheeseburger Eddy will get a better role in the sequel.
Mickey Rourke as Tool: Besides being completely summed up as a person by his character name, Rourke didn’t do shit the whole movie. He touched up Stallone’s hideous tattoos and then painted pretty flowers on a guitar. What does he do for the team you may ask? The answer: who the hell knows? Rourke is a terrible actor and put on yet another terrible performance, as is apparently his charm.
Bruce Willis didn’t do enough to justify talking about and the Governator’s few lines were delivered better than almost everyone else’s. So what does that tell you? It tells you that the movie was just that bad. This is one bitter man who is only going to watch the sequel to see how the hell Stallone is going to bring back Steve Austin. Maybe he’ll just show up at a bar, burned horribly yet laughing and drinking while garnering the love and forgiveness of the expendables. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit.
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