I am not a man of means. I work a pretty terrible job for pretty terrible pay. So there’s always a little part of my mind that is cooking up some get rich quick scheme. Yet I’m pretty sure that the most recent idea is right on the money. I mean this is some foolproof stuff here. And it was all inspired by the horrid Chris Rock remake of Death at a Funeral and a conversation with my girlfriend Brandie. This is more than an idea, it is an epiphany. It was all so obvious that I’m still kicking myself for not thinking of it earlier. And because I’m just that kinda guy, I will let you all in on the beautiful, money idea: pick something that is already great and just add black people.
There you have it. Oh, not convinced yet? Alright, let me run you through this. The Honeymooners is often considered to be one of the greatest shows of all time and Jackie Gleason is hailed as ‘the king of comedy.’ So how does our modern society cash in on this timeless gem? They remake it, sans white people. Just add Cedric the Entertainer and Regina Hall and you have an instant box office flare up. I mean come on, how could it not work. It’s full of the same jokes, some of the exact same dialogue, but this time it’s with people of color. Amazing! Now more recently we have Death at a Funeral. Granted, this isn’t an old movie. In fact, it’s only about three years old. But let’s ignore all that and apply the same formula. We keep the same lines, almost line for line in fact. Hell, we even keep the same midget from the first movie. But this time, we add some color to the mix. We throw in a washed up Martin Lawrence, Regina Hall again (notice a pattern there?) and then BAM! That’s Hollywood history baby!
So here we have a flawless formula for success: movie – white people + Regina Hall + Same Script = $$$. Of course we have to ignore the double standard here, the rascally x factor. We need ignore that this is okay but it would be racist if we, say, remade a Tyler Perry movie but with all white people. Or we remade Bad Boys 2 but this time the cops are white and they fight the Black Panthers in the opening scene. But regardless, we are now ready to cash in on Hollywood’s affinity for laziness and gimmickry. Me and Brandie decided to take it up a notch, however. We are not going for a one time flare up like these previous attempts. We are going ot cash in on one of the largest franchises in movie history. A franchise that will seemingly never die. No, not Indiana Jones, for that has already been destroyed beyond belief. No not Die Hard or Scream or even the Saw and Spiderman series. We are going right for the kill. Air Bud. Isn’t it beautiful? The possibilities are endless. It’s the same old Air Bud, but this time the dog is a black lab. Genius. Pure genius. We just need to bring in Regina Hall as the owner of Bud and then we have instant success. And once the dog finishes up playing every sport man has to offer, he then has kids and then the remakes of Snow Buddies and Space Buddies takes over. Now you always must be prepared for a little bit of backlash from people. The people who love the original may hate our remakes. It may even be misconstrued as slightly racist that the black dog is able to play basketball well. But despite these minor setbacks, Brandie and I will be rich and there’s nothing that you can do about it. Air Bud ftw.
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